I came across an article on the weekend with a term I was not familiar with. It is called quiet quitting and is a term used in the professional arena. This is where someone has checked out of their job without physically quitting it. They will stay on doing the bare minimum. They will not work past 5. pm, will not take on extra work or work for that promotion.
This term has now filtered out into the relationship realm with psychologists talking of a quiet quitting in a relationship. This is where one or both partners do the bare minimum for the relationship. It is quite perplexing because, unlike a separation that may be painful, it is more certain. Quiet quitting is more insidious and ambiguous. One partner disengages from the relationship.
The 6 main behaviors to be aware of are:
- Not sharing with each other your life updates/general information about your day
- Not inviting them or being invited to social events
- Avoiding spending quality time with your partner
- A sustained drop off in emotional and physical affection
- Not making plans with your partner anymore and being reluctant to commit to any plans they suggest.
This is a great article about quiet quitting a relationship and is worth the read.
However, I want to take this a step further and find out how we ‘quietly quit’ on ourselves. I think this would be as much of an insidious and ambiguous process. I always believe that life is a mirror and that what is happening on the inside is reflected in us from the external world. How can we evaluate if we are ‘quietly quitting’ on the most important relationship we will ever have, the one with ourselves?
Not unlike a physical relationship in the external world, the internal quiet quitting will look much the same.
- We are not sharing with ourselves our life updates and general information about our day – we are running unconsciously on the hamster wheel of life reacting to life and not making conscious choices about it. We have no self-awareness of where we are or where we want to go. We are mindlessly existing and not living.
- We avoid taking initiative in planning for fun arrangements, holidays, or navigating what a perfect day would look like and so land up becoming bitter and bored.
- We avoid spending quality time with ourselves. We do not indulge in self-care or actively do the things we enjoy. We become too dependent on doing mundane tasks and not carving out special quality time with ourselves.
- A sustained drop off in emotional and physical affection, we start berating ourselves with negative self-talk and negative body image and begin comparing ourselves to the lives of those on social media which leads to more negativity.
- Not making plans with friends and we start hibernating and are left alone with negative thoughts reverberating in our heads and we get to go further down the downward spiral.
So how do we safeguard ourselves from quietly quitting on ourselves and life?
- Self-Awareness – Cultivate time to check in with yourself. Quiet the mind in meditation (still or guided) and journaling. Take inventory, and observe your thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires.
- Be Curious and Act – Once you have identified your needs and desires, implement a strategy to take incremental steps towards them. Have a big vision and take small steps towards that vision.
- Self-Care – Most of us think it is selfish to indulge in self-care. It is selfish not to because we can only give what we have. If you are burned out and have nothing left to give, you will show up in the world with no value. We cannot give what we do not have. If you have carved time out in your week to fill your cup up, you will have the resource to help others. You must be selfish to be selfless. Prioritize “me time” like you would a work meeting and stick to it. Show up for yourself.
- Watch the words you tell yourself. Your words create your thoughts, your thoughts create your feelings, your feelings create your actions, your actions create your behavior, your behavior creates your habits, and your habits create your destiny. Speak with kindness to yourself and speak as you would to someone you love.
- Make a list of activities and friends that you would choose to spend time with and then be proactive in implementing them. Surround yourself with people that lift you and keep away from the energy vampires. Look around at the 5 closest people in your circle. If five of them are health fanatics, you will be too. If five of them are big drinkers, you will be too. Show me your friends, and I will show you who you are. Choose wisely and be intentful about whom you surround yourself with. If you do not have the friends you would like, cultivate a plan to join a group such as an art class, writing class, or a gym and surround yourself with people that have the same values as you and start making new friends or at least be inspired by the people who have similar interests and values as you do.
You are your responsibility, responsibility meaning your ability to respond. Remember success nor failure happens overnight. It is the teeny tiny micro-skills that we do or do not do every day that will make or break us. So, raise your subconscious patterns to a conscious level, through meditation, journaling, or therapy. Shine a spotlight on your observations so that you can first get awareness and then make the changes that need to be made. NEVER QUIT, keep moving to reach the highest version of yourself, and nurture the most important relationship you will ever have, the one with you. Self-Love matters most!
