In life, we are either approaching a problem, in a problem or just getting out of a problem……. And then we hit repeat! I am a true believer that we cannot control the external situation, however, true control is how we choose to respond to the issue at hand. It is hard enough for us to deal with our issues and try to parent ourselves efficiently, but what happens when life is so overwhelming for us that we fall into a depression? How do we navigate that feeling with our kids, or any close person in our lives for that matter?
All too often, we want to put on a brave face and pretend everything is okay so that we do not burden our kids with real-life issues. We instinctively want to protect them from all the hardships of life. Which parent would not want to do that? We think we are doing right by them, but are we?
I was asked about this dilemma on ABC radio last week and you can listen here for the full interview.
I was honored to speak about this topic as it has profound significance. We need to know how to engage in meaningful conversations with our children when we are struggling with depression or even with life. This is a sensitive and challenging situation, and evidence has shown that open, empathetic communication can make all the difference in helping these young individuals cope and thrive.
Understanding the Impact
Depression is not an isolated experience; it affects not only the person going through it but also their loved ones, especially their children. Kids may witness changes in their parent’s behavior, mood, and overall well-being, and it’s crucial to address their feelings and concerns because if we do not, we leave a gap for the child to fill in for themselves. If we allow this, what usually happens is the child feels responsible for the parent feeling the way they do and will think it is their fault. Alternatively, they try and fix their parent and take on the role of parenting the parent. This is daunting and overwhelming for a young child and it can have a significant impact on their development.
Below are some guidelines to help you navigate the storm together.
The Importance of Open Conversations
- Validation: Acknowledge the child’s feelings and assure them that their emotions are valid. If we do not, a child will mistrust their judgment moving forward. The incongruency between what they feel and what is being said to them will confuse and hinder their judgment in future relationships. Let them know feeling sad, confused, or scared is okay!
- Age-Appropriate Language: Tailor your conversations to the child’s age and level of understanding. Use simple and clear language to explain the situation. For example “mommy has been feeling grouchy” for toddlers etc. As school-age kids have a concrete brain formation, it would be good to give tangible examples, such as, “When mommy was crying after we were running late from school it was because mommy does not know how to cope with all the things she has to do at the moment and the doctor is helping her with that”.
- Create a Safe Space: Foster an environment where children feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and concerns without fear of judgment or blame.
- Be Patient: Children may need time to process their emotions and thoughts. Be patient and give them the space to do so.
- Answer Questions Honestly: Be truthful when answering their questions. If you don’t know the answer, it’s okay to say so and promise to find out together.
Children often have worries and concerns when a parent is dealing with depression or a crisis. Some common worries may include:
- Fear of Losing the Parent: Assure them that their parent’s love for them remains constant, even though they may be struggling.
- Self-Blame: Children may erroneously blame themselves for their parent’s depression. Reiterate that it is not their fault.
- Understanding Depression: Explain, in age-appropriate terms, what depression is and how it affects a person’s mood and behavior.
- Offer Reassurance: Reassure them that there are ways to help their parent, such as seeking professional help, and that there is hope for improvement.
Encourage Expression Through Art and Play
Children may find it challenging to express their emotions verbally. Encourage them to use art, play, or journaling as alternative ways to express themselves. This can be a cathartic and healing process.
Seek Professional Help When Needed
If a child’s emotional well-being is significantly affected by a parent’s depression, consider seeking the assistance of a therapist who specializes in children’s mental health.
When we parents are suffering from depression or life’s challenges, such as job loss, divorce, illness, etc., children need support, understanding, and open communication more than ever. By creating a safe and open environment, we can help them navigate the challenging situation and build resilience.
Once again it proves that vulnerability is our greatest strength and a wonderful gift. We allow our kids to trust their feelings, we break down the taboo of mental health for them, we allow them to communicate their feelings willingly when they are feeling overwhelmed, and we offer them the chance to have healthy relationships in the future. Furthermore, we cultivate the openness for them to be curious and unafraid to ask questions in life. I understand it is not an easy task, however, the benefits outweigh the discomfort.
So, there you have it. If this is something you need help navigating, please reach out. So, until next month, please remember to be kind to yourself and kind to others. Have a fabulous month and enjoy the warmer weather.
