What surprised me about being at Esther’s talk in Sydney was how young the audience was, so it got me doing some research. What I found was that therapists are seeing a rise in clients under 30. This generation has made the shift to a “maintenance rather than crises” approach to therapy. Psychologists believe that this is because the younger generations tend to feel less shame around seeing a therapist and are into self-improvement and sharing feelings.
Married couples usually take at least six years to seek professional help and by that stage, their once small problem has turned into a larger more significant one. The younger generation sees the benefit in being proactive, whilst the older generation tends to be reactive.
Divorce rates in the 50-60 plus age group are on a significant rise with a staggering nearly 50 per cent divorce rate among this age bracket. So, if you are a sceptic listen up and I will run you through the advantages of seeking relationship counselling even if you are in a stable and healthy relationship.
Does Couple Therapy really work?
The mainstream narrative of couples therapy is seen as the last attempt to fix a failing relationship or marriage. Whilst this is true, it is also a great way to strengthen your relationship and create a safe space for you and your partner to be more vulnerable with each other and would profoundly benefit couples in a stable and healthy relationship.
Changes in relationships are insipid and indirect issues can creep up on us and be totally out of our intellectual awareness. Take “phubbing” for instance. This refers to the act of ignoring your significant other in favour of technology. Esther Perel asked the audience “who goes straight to their phone when they wake up in the morning?” Most people in the audience raised their hands. “Even with a partner in your bed”? she asked.
This goes to show that couples in long-term, comfortable relationships may begin to take each other for granted and ignore one another when they are spending time together. They may be close in proximity but miles apart. This could become their new norm and totally out of their awareness. According to Professor James Roberts, this type of behaviour eventually translated into lower levels of relationship satisfaction with 37 per cent responding they felt depressed.
Keeping Minor issues Minor
The big issues in a relationship often stem from what was once a minor one. Sometimes there is no problem, however, a couple might be feeling stuck in certain parts of their relationship. Psychologists find that the sooner a problem is addressed through counselling, there is more chance the relationship will work. Most couples however wait until they are unable to solve a big problem on their own.
Communication
Communication is one of the largest challenges that a couple will face, however, many couples do not realise that they are failing at this. Over the course of the relationship, each person will have their own motivation, ongoing resentments, and assumptions that they bring to the relationship. This includes couples with little to no problems. The good news is that studies have shown that 50-60 per cent of couples acknowledged their communication skills improved after therapy.
Re-negotiating your relationship template
The way couples interact with each other can be obtained from what we’ve learned during our formative childhood years. We carry with us our unconscious attachment styles as well as the way we viewed our parent’s romantic relationship. Subconsciously we hold onto a view of how our parents dealt with commitment, communication and even how they dealt with finances. This influences the way we as adults navigate different aspects of our relationships. When adults engage in their parent’s “bad relationship habits”, it can become challenging for our romantic partnerships. A therapist can help us become conscious of the unconscious programming and thus unlearn behaviour that is not serving us.
So why is couples therapy the new must-have now? Because couples therapy can be a useful tool for couples to rebuild their relationship but also beneficial to keep a relationship on track. Ultimately the goal is to change the patterns of relating and by engaging with couples counselling, if problems and issues do arise, couples can be better equipped to deal with them.
So maybe stop waiting for something to change and get up and make the necessary changes that will nurture your relationship.
